


Lungs Keep you Afloat

by ObtuseOctopus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Roommates, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21696787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. One shot. •Twenty one year old Lapis and nineteen year old Peridot have been roommates for a while now; they’ve been keeping each other afloat and keeping each other from succumbing to darkness entirely.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	Lungs Keep you Afloat

**Author's Note:**

> // •CW/TW; this fic contains talk and or mention of mental health, neurological disabilities, alludes/references to depression, possibly some hints of what can be considered ableism, etc.
> 
> I wrote this mainly based off of my own experiences regarding dealing/living with the mentioned topics, so this isn’t going to be exactly the same kind of experience as anyone else.

It’s been two hours since her roommate had jumped into the bath. Normally on a daily basis, Peridot insisted on no more than just a  _ single _ hour when it came to washing herself, an hour and a  _ half  _ at  _ most  _ if she just wanted to wallow in warm water whenever the apartment was too cold or whenever she had a bad day. That was rare on occasion too. So for Peridot to be in there for two hours? It wasn’t exactly concern that Lapis would describe it to be, but confusion. 

She bothered to pause the television after she managed to internally work up the energy to get off the couch, then strolled over to the bathroom. She knocked on the door. “Hey. Peridot! Are you good in there?” 

Maybe Peridot just… wasn’t watching how long she was in there. Though she doubted it as she herself would’ve gone out the minute her skin became wrinkly. Unless of course, accounting for the bad days, in which warm water not only soothed, but comforted. Again, in her opinion. Ugh, she knew little when it came to  _ Peridot’s  _ preferences. The only person she knew best was herself. But to be fair- Peridot usually didn’t pull these stunts-! Plus, what if she needed to piss soon? God… they only had ONE bathroom. It was proving to be annoying too. Should’ve gone for an apartment with two bathrooms.

Lapis found herself raising a brow a few moments later when there was no response. Surely an oddity. Peridot  _ always _ responded to her. It was one of the things that she was good at; technical work, games, and being chatty. She was like a constant attention needy dog. So to have  _ no  _ response set off a few red flags in her head.

“Peridot!” Lapis knocked again. She jiggled the doorknob, finding it to be unlocked. Good riddance she didn’t need to go fetch a key. “I’m coming in.” She gave it a few seconds before she opened the door, stepping into the bathroom and allowing herself inside to see what was up. And what she had found? Wasn’t exactly a common sight that she would expect from her roommate. 

Peridot was huddled in an upright fetal position near the bath faucet, her back to Lapis and her head hung low. She was shaking, trembling, like a frail autumn leaf in the cold. Her blonde hair was drenched, and the faucet was off, the bath full of water that most likely was now cold.

“... Peridot?” Lapis slightly narrowed her eyes, dumbfounded. When she was given no response for the billionth time, she stepped over to the bathtub, making sure that the lid of the toilet was down before she sat down on it. “Hey… you okay?”

Peridot only continued to shake. She didn’t even acknowledge Lapis’ presence, which was  _ definitely  _ off. Lapis craned her neck a little, finding that her roommate seemed to be chewing on her thumb and breathing heavily. At that moment, she began to realize what was going on.

They had only been living together for about two years so far. But besides being loud and always up for a game or some junk food, Lapis learned that Peridot also had her own darker sides when came strong emotions. It was the only thing she too was familiar with; the tug of inner demons or an inner voice taking over her veins and screaming in her ears as it possessed her. It only happened once so far with Peridot, but now that it was happening again, having learned from the first time, Lapis was bound to act quicker and know what to do better than last time.

“Peridot. If you can hear me, move your head up,” Lapis instructed, leaning over to gently put a hand on her roommate’s shoulder. As Peridot had told her from the last time something like this happened, touch was a big factor in calming her down. So anything gentle or anything heavy had a good chance of being an aid here. Lapis made sure to softly massage Peridot’s shoulder, waiting to see if the other would listen to her and move her head. It… would’ve been smarter to wait until  _ after _ the other responded to touch her, but Peridot hadn’t tensed and neither did she sharply inhale, so it must’ve been okay. “... If you can hear me, move your head up.” 

Surprisingly, she was patient. And it was with patience which eventually came to with her roommate moving her head up, giving physical confrontation that Peridot was listening to her and able to hear her. From there, Lapis proceeded to use both her hands to knead at both her shoulders, providing comfort to the smaller woman in any way that she could. “Is this okay? Nod if this is okay. Shake your head if it isn’t.” One of the key factors she also had to keep in mind was to not lose her own sanity and stay diligent. She had to be precise with what she said, calm, and make sure that the setting around them was quiet. Even just a sudden noise could make this worse. According to what she had been told anyway. The rest she was playing by ear.

Peridot nodded.

Once given permission, Lapis stood up. Her hands left Peridot for a moment as she grabbed the loofah bath sponge from the side of the bathtub, and she lathered it lightly using the shampoo from one of the bottles. Afterwards, she used it to scrub over Peridot’s back, knowing that she more than likely didn’t properly clean herself if she was in this sort of state right now. She worked from Peridot’s shoulders down her spine, also over her arms and scrubbing firm but not rough. When she was done, she scooped some water into her hands from the bath, letting it splash over where she had scrubbed. She made sure to also watch Peridot’s reactions, just in case something went off in which she would need to stop what she was doing.

“I’m going to need you to stand up. I’m going to move you out of the bath,” Lapis ensured to keep verbally informing what she was about to do, her voice still easy. She gave it some time again to let Peridot process what she had said, then fetched a green towel from underneath the sink. She returned to the bath with it, holding it out with both arms to its fullest while also multi purposing it as a curtain so that Peridot could have some privacy. She again waited, letting her roommate have some time. Peridot stood up gradually, and once she had, Lapis wrapped her up with the towel. 

It was a process to get Peridot to step out of the bath. Lapis managed to coax her just fine, being careful that her roommate didn’t slip. After deciding that she could drain the water later, Lapis continued to help guide Peridot slowly towards out of the bathroom and into the living room. She kept a hand on her shoulder, the towel still around the shorter woman.

“I’m going to sit you down for a bit.” Lapis moved the way she would if she was handling a shy creature, not too sudden and not too expressive. She successfully sat Peridot down on the couch in front of the television, adjusting the towel on her a little. Noticing that her roommate was still shivering, she sat down beside her and hugged her lightly. “Find five things; something you smell, something you taste, something you feel, something you hear, and something you see.” It was a tactic she often used when she was triggered into a panic attack, so for all she knew, maybe it could work the same for a meltdown like this…?

As annoying as her roommate was, Peridot was just… still a kid. She was nineteen, and just barely out of getting away from her parents. Lapis could recall tales Peridot spoke about where she had grown up, and what it had been like. It hadn’t been pretty. Lapis didn’t fully understand this... autism thing either that she heard her roommate talk about sometimes, but she still offered to help in times like this. Peridot was a fucking child- one who had been neglected by her parents simply because she was born the way she was. Lapis could empathize to some degree; her own parents weren’t too prominent in her life and if anything, showed up to divorce then left her going back and forth between two households going to multiple different schools and never having any friends that settled down for more than six months. They didn’t really care about what she wanted. She could have hung herself and they wouldn’t have blinked. There had been several instances where she secretly checked herself into a mental hospital because simple as day, depression in her family also was hereditary. It was genetic, ran in the women of her mother's side. And god had it been awful when it was brought out to its fullest potential.

Though compared to that, Peridot in a way reminded her of herself. And the way that her roommate was breaking down like this now sure made her feel nostalgic, reflecting back to her own past. There were only very rare times Peridot was like this. Something big must have happened for her to be like this. 

Lapis sighed. No matter how chatty or irritating Peridot could be, she had feelings too… She was a person. She was young. She was somebody that Lapis could look at when the blonde was upset like this and see a part of  _ herself _ in her.

Lapis had put her focus to nowhere in particular, resting her head upon Peridot’s shoulder as she blankly stared into space. When it came down to it, they were both broken kids. That was it really. Both broken, abused, and neglected. They had been deprived of a childhood well needed to be functional adults today, so now they were paying the price for something that wasn’t even their fault.

“... L-Lapis?”

Lapis removed her head, but kept the other in a hug. “Yeah?” She deadpanned, a bit glad that Peridot was conscious enough to talk.

“Do you… care about me?”

Oh god no. She couldn’t deal with this right now. She knew  _ exactly  _ where this was going. How could she not? Mental hospital, remember? She hadn’t taken a field trip there, no, she had been there before for a reason. This conversation starter was a ghastly echo to her.

Lapis loosened her muscles. “Peridot, not now.”

“I… I’m sorry…” Peridot apologized solemnly.

Lapis groaned. “No. Don’t apologize- god… don’t do that.” She released her hugging hold, rubbing her forehead for a second. “Peridot. What’s going on?” She firmly asked.

Peridot gulped. She seemed to just now realize that she was wrapped in a towel, judging by how she glanced down at herself, then clutched to the fabrics with her cheeks a shade of rosy embarrassment. “Christmas is coming up.”

“So?”

“So um… my mother called me today.”

Oh no, yeah this definitely wasn’t going to be good. “And?” Lapis pressed.

“She-... she said that she… she…-“ Peridot began to shake again.

Lapis sighed. “... Go ahead.”

“Huh?”

“Do your… hand thing.” Lapis shook one of her hands to physically demonstrate what she meant. “I forget what it’s called.”

“Stimming. It’s called stimming, Lapis.”

“Huh. Swore I thought it was vibing.”

“It’s… an entirely different theme,” Peridot explained, dismissing the joke. She kicked her feet a bit. “And I don’t need to always do that. It’s just that…”

“Yeah?”

Peridot inhaled. “My mother officially disowned me today.” She clutched the towel tighter.

Lapis’ eyes went wide. “What did she say?”

“She… would prefer I don’t call her my mother anymore.”

“Ouch.”

“And… that I’m not her daughter. Never have been.” Peridot shakily breathed in. “I feel like… like…”

“Like your parents hate you?”

“You’re not helping!” Peridot griped before she reluctantly breathed out. “... Yes.”

“Welcome to the club.” Lapis settled back into the couch a bit more.

“I don’t know- I… it feels like someone choked me.”

“Hm. Yeah, I can tell.” Lapis kept responding, showing she was listening through verbal means. “You were shaking. And you didn’t get out of the bath for like two hours.”

“Did I?” Peridot frowned. “Gosh… I- I’m sorry. I mean-! No, I’m not sorry- not that I am not sorry, I apologize for-. Oh my god,” she struggled with her words.

Lapis just watched and listened. “Take your time.”

Peridot sighed again. “The more I learn about myself, the less I understand myself. I don’t even know what I was doing in the bath, I wasn’t overwhelmed, I was just… Ah…” She thought, biting her bottom lip. “I’m not sure, honestly. I feel like I’m saying nothing but nonsense right now. Again-. And I feel like I mean nothing. You know that sort of feeling when you go up to the front of the line after waiting an hour and then they tell you that they don’t have the ice cream that you wanted the whole time?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s… what it feels like right now.” Peridot itched her arm. “I- I feel like…”

“... Empty?”

“Yes.”

“Upset?”

“Yes.”

“Wanting to scream into the abyss?”

“... Yes.” Peridot settled into her towel some more, getting warm by keeping her body heat close together as she also kept herself covered up. “Lapis? Is it..? No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be asking- and-... I know how much you hate how much I apologize. But I know you have depression, and I know that what I’m about to say is only going to probably upset you or belittle you, or even downgrade you in a negative way. You know this sort of thing more than I do, and I know little to nothing about it. I would feel like garbage to ask if anything gets better.”

Lapis curiously was all ears.

“Because if you think about it, things can get better as long as you put work into focusing on forward instead of backward. I spent my entire life waiting for my mom to approve of me, much remotely even notice or acknowledge me, say that she’s proud that I’m her daughter, but I was waiting on a dead horse! The reality is that she was a clod from the start, she’s rotten and she doesn’t care about me. The only time she would is if I’m  _ not _ me! Is that really any way to live? I don’t want to be anybody that I am not. I’m Peridot! And I’m the greatest thing alive! I can be sad about it now, but… in the long run?” Peridot stood up from the couch, making sure not to drop her towel as she proudly puffed out her chest, all her shakiness gone as it had been replaced with her newfound emotion. “Fuck her.”

Lapis was flabbergasted. Her roommate  _ hardly  _ if at all cursed. Sure it had been a long speech too that she just gave, but… Peridot said a few things that really had gotten to her. 

Peridot turned, flashing a grin. “What do you think? Was I assertive enough? I saved the f bomb just for something like this- Amethyst said it would really get my point across.”

“That was… great,” Lapis said. 

“Whew! I feel great,” Peridot smiled with glee. “I- I didn’t mean to start venting like that, but I feel like I got so much off my chest. Ow, my feeeeelings!” She giggled. 

“Peridot, get dressed.”

Peridot paused. “Oh-. Right-!” She laughed, then disappeared to her room to get dressed.

Lapis sort of envied her roommate. How Peridot just… so quickly recoiled and got back up after a moment like that? After even  _ admitting  _ that she felt like shit? After enduring a painful stance like the bath stunt? How did she do it? And why couldn’t she do the same?

Lapis crossed her arms over her chest. She unpaused the television, letting the Canadian show opera that had been playing resume. She leaned her elbow against the armrest of the couch, her hand sourly pressed against one cheek with eyes glued to the screen. She couldn’t stop thinking about it- about how Peridot bounced up like a spring, overcoming some shitty news in five seconds flat. 

Well… at least they could relate with having parents that didn’t really care much about what they had birthed into this world. But… if someone could just… snap back like that, then why hadn’t she done so yet? Lapis could hardly focus on the show now, her mind running rampant on ridiculous things. 

“Oh my stars- season six?!”

Aaand there she was, the chatty, loud mouthed Peridot that Lapis knew well like the back of her hand. “Episode eight,” she confirmed with a nod. She didn’t even look over when her roommate had sat back down on the couch beside her, fully dressed in an overgrown shirt and some sagging jeans.

“Ugh, gross, the one where Paulette STILL is around and trying to impress Percy with her ‘talent’?” Peridot air quoted.

“Obviously.”

“They should consider booting her- she isn't serving a purpose other than dragging Percy down and keeping him and Pierre apart.”

“Seriously.”

But no matter how much Peridot could be? It was small moments like this that Lapis found she cherished. The simple, the calm, the peace and the warmth. She had someone she knew at her side, nothing around her to remind her of the bad, just… life. As much as she did her best to watch the soap opera playing with no care in the world, she found herself leaning over against her roommate instead. Her head ended up resting back on Peridot’s shoulder, and she leaned in against the smaller girl. 

When the episode had ended and the credits started playing, the television screen was enveloped with the typical Netflix pop up asking if the viewers were still watching. Lapis took the opportunity to speak. “Hey. Peridot?”

“What?”

“When things like what happened in the bathtub happen… did you feel any better? Do you remember me helping you? Did it… help?”

“Gah, um… I honestly hardly remember what was going on, but I came around eventually so I can only assume so,” Peridot replied.

“When those sorts of episodes happen? What’s it like?”

“Kind of scary… I mean, I know what’s going on but… I’m kind of unable to function. I know I can talk and how easy it is, but it’s hard for me to. Everything feels like it’s jello to me.” Peridot scratched her head, wiggling her nose. “I don’t know if it was specifically an anxiety attack, a panic attack, or some form of a meltdown, but I can describe it to be scary. A lot of the symptoms get blurry. They can go hand in hand or share some similar symptoms that it’s sometimes hard for me to know exactly what’s happening. I guess my body just shuts down is the way to put it.”

“Do you feel better now?”

“Oh- totally! I feel like I can punch a wall!” Peridot snickered, punching the empty air in front of her like a daydreaming boxer. “But don’t worry, I’m not actually going to punch a wall, it’s a figure of speech-“

“I know.” Lapis gradually closed her eyes, staying leaning against her roommate. “You know… that thing you said about being sad? About… looking forward and not back?”

“Hm?”

“I think those were some nice words.”

“Oh! You think so? Aww, gosh, Lapis, well I accept your compliment.”

“I mean it. Coming from someone like me…” Lapis mumbled. “It’s tough. Most days. Some days. There’s always those… shitty days. I’m jealous,” she admitted. “I’m jealous that you’re so… so easy to stay positive.” And admitting it out loud like that didn’t make her feel too proud of herself either. Greed and envy were the vines of venom among the human race. To slither among such greenery could only bring misery.

“I guess it’s like one of the quotes I’ve seen on the internet. The most positive people have been in the darkest times,” Peridot stated. “I uh, think you’re pretty positive.”

“Pfft.”

“No, I’m serious! If that quote is true, and even if it’s not, you’re still the same person who actually gave me a chance when nobody else did. I think that’s the most amazing thing ever to happen to me.”

Lapis opened her eyes, raising a brow. 

“You’re… super kind even if you don’t believe it. And-! You're also very caring. Why else would you let me vent to you and why else would you come and help me when I was shutting down in the bathroom? Lapis, I think you’re a great person.”

“Impossible.”

“And that’s it! You don’t and won’t believe it, but I know you are! You’re the most important person to me. I know you’re sad and that you’re not going to believe a word I say, but… I think you’re amazing.”

“You sound like Steven.”

Peridot nervously chuckled. “It can be a guess that he’s rubbing off on me…”

Lapis snorted.

“But don’t forget that. Even when you’re leaving snot on your pillows and crying- singing- singing while crying… just know you’re a great person.”

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Since when have I ever sang?”

“Once,” Peridot recalled. “In the shower. I may have or may not… have um… heard you…”

“Creep.”

“It’s not my fault that your vocal chords are captivating!”

“Wow. Okay.”

Peridot let out a scoff. “Let me compliment you!”

“No.”

“Fine! Then I’ll just tickle it out of you until you do.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Yes I would!”

“Weirdo.” Lapis reached out and lightly pushed her roommate’s face. “Are you still watching this or not?” She gestured to the television. “I’m going to turn in for the night.”

Peridot made a noise that was inhuman, stumbling over a little in order to get the remote and click continue watching. “Goodnight!”

“Goodnight, Peridot.” 

“I’ll tell you everything that happens- you won’t miss a single detail!”

Lapis just gave a thumbs up in reply, steadily rising from the couch. She made sure to go around so she wouldn’t walk in front of the television, making her way towards her room. She closed her door once she had entered, taking a moment before she continued over to her bed and lay down in it. 

Countless times she prayed that it wasn’t supposed to be like this, that it wasn’t normal to always feel so low and in the gutter. She hoped there was something wrong with her, because if this was the normal, then she had no chance of changing or feeling genuine joy if this was how it was supposed to be. It didn’t help either that her roommate seemed to be able to handle such heavy crap so easily either. She was still jealous about it. How did someone do it? Did they discard all the bad, and fought hard enough to be in the light? It felt… shitty too that she  _ knew _ other people had it harder than her. Other people had it worse- so why did she still feel this way knowing that? Was it even valid if her pains weren’t as excruciating? She had been this way for so long and was bound to stay this way forever if she couldn’t find the path set right.

She wasn’t crazy- because crazy meant something outside the system. But hundreds were just like her, so it was all within the system surely? And sure there was more awareness to things that she and Peridot had, and it could be considered positive with more awareness nowadays to spread information to reach those needing a guide, but with it also came misinformation and people romanticizing it in such exaggerated ways to the point some _ wished  _ they had a certain agony, no matter if it wasn’t at all in anyway cute. It felt humiliating at most. Some days she didn’t even feel justified in her unexplainable jolts of pain, people would brush her off or misjudge the reality. Was it the same for Peridot? If so, how did she still deal with it so lightly like the way a duck would brush off water from its down? She didn’t have to hide anymore, there was even a mental health awareness week, but to cause a burden…? Was it cowardice keeping her from being honest with her own obstacles?

… Perhaps she could go out with Peridot later and grab some quick drive through food or something to help alleviate her mood and keep her from drowning in the shallows. Maybe she could find a distraction to stop painting herself the victim and turn into the fighter, a survivor. She had a considerably happy support system with her roommate, they kept each other afloat in the sea of storms, so why did she still feel this way even after being told such kind statements or after receiving and or giving her heart?

The last thing she needed was more time alone by herself, yet at the same time, it was all she needed right now.


End file.
